Aimee Eckhardt, Author at Community for Deepening Practice

Forgiving Others: Telling a New Story

We are able to forgive because we are able to recognize our shared humanity.

—Desmond Tutu

The wisdom inherent in forgiveness arises when we are able to hold our story in more spacious awareness. Our small story makes way for a larger story and a broader perspective. We see that what happened — as personal as our pain feels — was also the result of many interdependent causes and conditions. “My story” becomes “our story” as we begin to see the common humanity between ourselves and the person who hurt us. Jack Kornfield describes this beautifully when he says, “There is an undying capacity for love and freedom that is untouched by what happens to you. And to come back to this, to know its true nature, is the invitation of the work of forgiveness.”

For this exercise, we’ll be considering whether it’s possible to consider the circumstances of an unforgiven situation with fresh eyes, “rewriting” this inner story to include not just yourself, but also the humanity of the person who hurt you.

This exercise doesn’t negate, diminish, or dismiss your pain. It simply brings the potential for a degree of freedom to long process of forgiving by broadening our perspective and recognizing our shared humanity and imperfection.

Process:

For this journaling exercise, please choose a situation:
- that is in the past;
- about which you still feel moderate anger or hurt with another person;
- for which you are willing to consider forgiveness.

You will need to choose carefully, because not all situations are ready to be forgiven.

In your journal, free-write a fuller version of your story, transmuting it from just the story of “you” to the story of “us.”
Remembering that touching the pain is a necessary part of the process of forgiveness. So as best you can, taking care to tend to any difficult feelings as they arise with your self-compassion skills.
Go as slowly as you need to. Perhaps revisit this exercise over a few journaling sessions if you that helps.
You may find after completing this exercise that it will be helpful to tell this revised story to a trusted friend, or even a beloved pet.

Reflection:

How does the exercise change (if at all) your feelings toward the situation, this other person, and yourself?
If you chose to tell your new story to a trusted friend, what was that experience like? The aftereffects?

Core Beliefs Contemplation

We encourage you to go especially easily for the following journal reflection, in which we consider a few negative core beliefs. As you go, anchoring yourself with the question: “What do I need?” And then responding compassionately.

Please consider the following questions and respond to them in your journal, listening deeply to what arises and allowing enough time for each response to cut through the mind chatter and unfold fully. As with all Creative Invitations, please notice any struggles that arise as you proceed, pausing as needed to care for yourself.

Materials:

Journal and a pen you love to write with.

Reflection:

Please write down 2-3 of your negative core beliefs.
As a reminder, these are very specific, repetitive thoughts that go through our minds, especially when we’re feeling stressed or under pressure. They may be lingering self-doubts, often from childhood, that seem patently true in our most vulnerable moments. Some examples are: “I’m helpless.” or “I’m an imposter.” or “I’m a failure.” or “No one will love me unless I __.” or “I don’t belong.”
What if it wasn’t true? Working with one negative core belief, please settle in to the breath and invite responses to the following.
- What if it wasn’t true that [insert your negative core belief]?
  “What if it isn’t true that I don’t belong? That I’m an imposter?” Journal a bit about how your way in the world might be different or shifted if your negative core belief wasn’t true.
  A few ideas you might consider:
  - What (if anything) might I do differently in my day-to-day life?
  - What might I allow myself?
  - What might I offer to others?
  - How might I relate differently with others?
  - What new challenges might come up if my negative core belief isn’t true?
- Notice as you explore: are there any sensations of resistance, overwhelm, fatigue that arise? Go lightly. These are big ideas, and it make time and breathing space for responses to arise.
Please journal a few words about what it was like to imagine if your negative core values weren’t true. How is it to imagine yourself in this different way?
As you explored the preceding questions, did any difficulties arise? Any judgements? If so, wrap up your journaling with a few compassionate words to yourself. Experiment with inviting forth both yang and yin aspects of your self-compassionate voice.

Caring for this One Precious Body

This is a simple journal reflection. Please consider the following questions and respond to them in your journal, listening deeply to what arises and allowing enough time for each response to cut through the mind chatter and unfold fully. As with all Creative Invitations, please notice any struggles that arise as you proceed, pausing if needed to care for yourself.

Materials:

Journal and a pen you love to write with.

Reflection:

In your daily life, what are some ways you currently embrace what is nourishing and fruitful through your body?
If any, what are the habits and beliefs that keep you from fully committing to caring for your body?
Is there some way in which self-compassion can support you in relating kindly with your body? If so, what is it? Be sure to hold this question lightly, remaining mindful or striving (and striving not to strive!).
If this feels comfortable to you, write a short note to your 85-year-old future self, specifically on the topic of your body. Is there anything you wish to share, affirm, celebrate, forgive, or commit to?

Three questions:
What’s alive for you right now?

During the past five months, we’ve spent time deepening our mindfulness and self-compassion skills. In the coming weeks, we’ll take those refreshed skills and use them specifically to support us in working with difficult emotions.

To mark this important transition, we’ll be doing a Creative Invitation that invites us each to rest, regroup and to invite the following: What’s really on my heart right now? Which three questions are alive for me now, as we move into this next session of our self-compassion study? Perhaps then we can bring those questions with us as we enter into this new phase of the course.

Through this Creative Invitation, we’ll allow intuition to explore some of those questions and simply meet what emerges with curiosity, openness … and possibly delight.

Materials:

Three pieces of blank paper: 5×7 inches or so is great.
Magazines you don’t mind cutting up
Scissors
Glue or tape
Watercolor or other paint you love

Process:

Arrive. Settle. Touch in with some inner space.

From this place, ask the following: “What questions are most alive for me right now?”

Many could emerge. You’ll know which ones want the most attention. Choose three such questions. They could have to do with your spiritual life (including your self-compassion practice), your professional life, your relationships, and more. No topics are off limits. The simple wish is to attend to those questions which are most alive for you right now.

Next…

Write one of your questions on the back of each sheet of paper (one question per sheet).
Then, flip over your three papers and shuffle them around a bit so that you can no longer see which paper has which question written on it. Let go of the questions, and please resist the temptation to peek for the duration of the exercise, knowing that synchronicity is the main operator for this exercise.
Next, pull out your paints and brush (or other supplies if you wish) and simply begin to place color on each of the three sheets. It’s important during this and all steps that you listen deeply from the source of your quiet mind and respond as you feel drawn to respond. Tune in to impulse if you can. Noticing when plans, judgements, and fears try to take over. Simply notice and name them, turning back each time to the breath and emergent impulses to color, line, and pattern.
Once you feel that your three panels have been adequately colored (You’ll know when.), choose a magazine and begin to flip through, allowing the images and words to wash over you. Choose an image that calls to you, and cut it out. Again, not thinking too hard.
Paste or tape the image you’ve cut out to one of the three sheets you’ve painted.
Continue this look, feel, cut, paste process until each of your three panels is fully covered in images and color. Reminding you to ALLOW the images to be pasted on any panel they wish, staying out of critical and rational mind as best you can.
Once everything’s covered, sit back and look at all three pages. Is there anything you’d like to switch around, add, replace, remove, or embellish? Do so. You will know when you are finished.
When you’re finally done, turn over each sheet, one by one, revealing the question on the back side of each mini-collage.

Questions for reflection:

Did you see a relationship between the question you wrote on the back of each sheet and the images that assembled themselves on the front?
What (if any) insights have emerged for you?
Are you inspired to take a new action as a result of what came up during this exercise?

Taking it further:

Revisit your collages over the coming days and weeks and see whether new insights, questions, or actions emerge for you.

Examples:

Panel 1 of 3 Question: "How can I begin to occupy my own power more readily in the world and in relation to others?" — **Panel 1 of 3 Question:** “How can I occupy my own power more readily in the world and in relation to others?”
**Insight:** When I related the images with the question, I literally laughed out loud with joy at how uncannily clearly the image aligned with the question. This collage served as affirmation that in order to occupy my power in the world, I needed to simply embrace what is beautiful and true about myself (as reflected in the mirror on the page).

20160614_085624 — **Panel 2 of 3 Question:** Body, how can I best support your healing?
**Insight:** This collage offered some reassurance to recent health concerns. I interpreted this as encouraging me to not get too bogged down in worry. To care for my body in simple ways: good nutrition focusing on hydration and nutritious fats; plenty of play; gratitude practices.

20160614_085634 — **Panel 3 of 3 Question:** How can I best support my daughter’s needs to individuate within the context of our family’s best health and my highest good?
**Insight:**This panel is not as straightforward as the others for me to understand, so my plan is to revisit it often. The message I’m taking away at this time is that allowing my daughter to “leave home” gracefully will be supported by a) purging some of the physical objects that I’m hanging on to (mostly my daughter’s belongings from early in her childhood) and also by giving voice to the untold stories of my own childhood … perhaps by sharing them with my daughter, but perhaps sharing in other forms as well. The “together at last” speaks to me of personal integration—a coming together with myself.

This Creative Invitation is inspired by Christine Valters Paintner.

Three Days of Yin and Yang

Each morning for three days, please choose a yang aspect of self-compassion to inspire a self-compassionate act for that day. Let the act be simple and manageable. Remembering that the common thread connecting each of these yang qualities is an attitude of caring for yourself!

Day 1: Protecting — What self-compassionate act can you do today that embodies the “protecting” yang quality? You might wish to jot down a few specific ideas and try one.
Day 2: Providing — What self-compassionate act can you do today that embodies the “providing” yang quality? Jot down a few specific ideas, then try one.
Day 3: Motivating — What self-compassionate act can you do that embodies the “motivating” yang quality? Jot down a few specific ideas, then try one.

The reflection:
Each day, write a bit in your journal about what it was like to attend to yourself in this way and see whether it inspires new lines of inquiry that ask to be explored.